“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. ” -Goldie Hawn, A Lotus Grows in the Mud

Well I must truly be that Lotus Flower Bomb that Wale was talking about because I have been slung through the mud so much in grad school that I’m convinced I now live there. I took a hiatus from blogging because an effort was made to end my graduate career early and I had to refocus and figure out how I would overcome this obstacle. I knew the actions were unethical. Post-prelims, it cannot be decided for me whether or not I can continue pursuing a PhD (unless I have failed to meet milestones after a cautionary probation). Yet that is what transpired. All of a sudden, I was an advanced grad student (4th year!!!) competing for space with new students. I was suffering. While sitting in my suffering, trying to figure out how I got to this point, I realized there were just as many advantages to my position as there were disadvantages, so I optimized those advantages.
1. Con: as an advanced student, a PI might not want to take me in because s/he would have a limited timeline for a project (translation: less free labor).
Pro: as an advanced student, a PI can get more progress and product from me because I have already acquired applicable lab skills and would not require much training.

2. Con: as an advanced student looking for a lab, I don’t have funding to support me.
Pro: incoming grad students also do not have funding to support them. I would require less $ due to less amount of time I need to complete my degree.

3. Con: as an advanced student without a lab, I do not have a project to complete in order to get my degree.
Pro: as an advanced student still fighting to be here, I have more dedication, drive, and perseverance to complete my degree, whereas a new student may end up not passing prelims or deciding to leave grad school.

This outlook gave me hope, for I could now see above the mud. Just before the close of 2013, I found a new lab home. I began 2014 very guarded and hesitant because I had been emotionally bullied and nearly defeated. But I continued to stand (in the mud). Little by little, I let down my guard and opened up my mind (one petal at a time). I received instruction and encouragement positively (growing and gaining wisdom). After 6 months, I think I’m finally on my way to becoming the most beautiful flower (lotus). I have accomplished more in these 6 months with my new mentor(s) than I ever did with my old mentor(s). I have finished my first aim, was accepted to TWO national workshops, and received travel awards to attend both. Not only that, but I am also applying to receive a Certificate in Global Health with my degree. Funny how that worked out: somebody didn’t want me to get a PhD and now I’m getting a PhD and then some!

This has been my process. It has not been easy. It has not been pretty. But the bullsh!t dealt to me I have turned into fertilizer. So the grass is finally starting to look greener on MY side.

©2014 by Ayana Martin